Susan Granger’s review of “Bullet Train” (Sony/Columbia Pictures/87 North)
“Bullet Train” may not be the worst picture of 2022 – but it’s gonna come close!
The chaotic, confusing, supposedly comedic action begins with Kimura (Andrew Koji), a distraught father, standing over the Tokyo hospital bed in which his young son lies – after being pushed from the roof of a building. The boy’s disapproving grandfather, known as The Elder (Hiroyuki Sanada), orders Kimura to find the culprit, take revenge and restore the family’s honor.
Meanwhile, there’s this low-level crook, known as Ladybug (Brad Pitt), who’s obviously deep into psychobabble. He’s ordered by his handler (voiced by Sandra Bullock) to retrieve a silver briefcase from the Japanese bullet train that speeds from Tokyo-to-Kyoto.
Problem is: two incomprehensibly mumbling British assassins – ‘brothers’ Tangerine (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and Lemon (Brian Tyree Henry) – are after the same briefcase. Plus there’s the stealthy Hornet (Zazie Beetz), who poisoned the bride and family of The Wolf (Benito A. Martinez Ocasio – a.k.a. rapper Bad Bunny) at their wedding banquet in Mexico.
Complicating matters further is The Prince (Joey King), a sneaky second-generation killer who looks like an innocent schoolgirl. At the end of the line awaits White Death (Michael Shannon), a Russian underworld kingpin with a handful of hitmen.
Adding to the carnage confusion, there’s an uncredited cameo from Channing Tatum as a crook who was supposed to take Ladybug’s assignment – along with a slithering poisonous snake that escaped from the zoo.
Incoherently adapted by Zak Olkewicz from Kotaro Isaka’s 2010 novel “Maria Beetle,” it’s feverishly directed by David Leitch (“Atomic Blonde,” “Deadpool 2”) with bumpy nods to the tenants of “Thomas the Train Engine”
Since there’s zero character development, the imbecilic, almost non-stop violence is dutifully chronicled by cinematographer Jonathan Sela.
At one point, Ladybug says, “I just want to get off this train and go to a Zen garden.” Me, too!
On the Granger Gauge of 1 to 10, “Bullet Train” is a tediously boring 2 – an awful waste of 2 hours, 6 minutes, even if the theater was deliciously air-conditioned – and empty!
