Susan Granger’s review of “The Longest Yard” (Paramount Pictures)
When Burt Reynolds starred in the original, back in 1974, he had been a tailback at Florida State University. He knew football! With Adam Sandler wearing his “Mean Machine” jersey in this tepid remake, one can only recall “The Waterboy.” This is mucho macho miscasting! Sandler plays disgraced former NFL MVP quarterback Paul “Wrecking” Crewe, who winds up in Allenville Federal Prison after stealing a Bentley belonging to his girl-friend (Courteney Cox Arquette) and resisting arrest. Why he’s sent to Texas for a crime committed in California is never explained. But the politically ambitious warden (James Cromwell) is delighted to welcome him since he needs a football coach for his racist, steroid-gobbling, semi-pro prison guards. Crewe proposes a convicts-versus-guards game – and the deck is stacked. With the help of a wily, wise-cracking buddy (Chris Rock) and a “seasoned” veteran (Burt Reynolds), he assembles a squad of the fastest and most violent cons. “We may not have the most talented team but we will have the meanest,” Crewe vows. It’s underdog payback time, and you can guess the outcome. Sheldon Turner’s screenplay, based on Tracy Keenan Wynn’s, adapted from a story by Albert S. Ruddy, and Peter Segal’s direction softens the entire concept, dumbing-down the aggression, sinking the subtext and dulling the abrasive edge. Instead of swaggering menace, Sandler exudes a coy affability, playing to the saucy cross-dressing cheerleaders like Tracy Morgan. Rapper Nelly and pro-wrestler Bill Goldberg score, while ESPN’s Chris Berman does the play-by-play. Despite his age, Reynolds still exudes cynical cool. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “The Longest Yard” is a sanitized, sentimentalized 6, grinding gridiron grit into flabby humor.
